 |  It's obvious from the start of this game that Iron Chef is going to suck it up; their captain Chen's team name is "1337 tfl skills." This is funny, because Iron Chef's members can't even do anything noteworthy on TFL now that only about 40 people bother playing it anymore.  Anyways, Cirque sends a big pack of unsupported soulless to one of IC's mountains. The first big mistake of the match is made by Chen, who suicides half his team's fetch pointlessly against these same soulless. Apparently being a "1337 tfl player" doesn't teach you that fighting soulless on high mountains with little short-ranged fetch is a bad idea. Sevendust follows Chen's lead by trying to fight that big pack of floating pointy death with half the number of soulless as the attackers. Oh, and he's fighting uphill too. Needless to say, he loses practically everything without doing a lick of damage. With half of their most important damage-dealing units destroyed, Cirque simply attacks everywhere and anally cores Iron Chef. They win 7 flags to zero, with 77% left. Game 2 comes along, and Chen has changed back to his "non-dummy" name, "August." with a period. Like his name was a sentence or something. Kaga asks in planning time if he has time to pick up the useless cleaver blades with his ghols. Anyway, IC gets max pus, and cirque gets no pus at all. Makes you wonder how IC could have possibly lost this game. Well, read on...  Cirque quickly gathers up 5 balls and camps on them. An amusing mini-battle occurs in the east, when Kaga pusses some of Mr. Top Hat's warriors standing over satchels, after pussing his own ghols. The rest of the game is just Cirque slowly killing off IC as their rush strat blows up in their face. There was really only one big screwup in this game, and that was IC's failure to pick up 3 (yup, three) big pus pieces. They also forgot their useless fire arrows, if that matters. I'd give Cirque a mini-blunder award for not picking up IC's pus with their gholpack, but quite honestly Cirque probably weren't expecting IC to be that stupid since they lost to them in DE3 or something. At the start of game three, August brags about his "mad strat", which is a pus and warrior rush. Amusingly enough, this is the exact same strat that IC uses in all their matches. I guess being a "1337 tfl player" doesn't require knowing more than one strategy. IC trades for max melee and pus for both their squads, while Cirque goes for a more balanced unit set. IC's southwest squad, captained by Ska, wastes all its pus trying to kill a single dwarf and barely manage to pull it off. A pity that the squad they're trying to beat still has two more dwarves.  IC's southeast group actually succeeds in beating their Cirque counterpart thanks to a Cirque player's fascination with clumping all of his units around enemy pus ghols. Unfortunately, they don't beat Cirque by nearly the same amount that Cirque raped IC's southwest group, so IC ends up with 2 weak squads of melee only vs one very strong Cirque squad with a couple of angry dwarves. Thanks mostly to their lack of pussing skills at the beginning of this game, IC loses big. Although this game is meaningless since Cirque already won the match after game 2, it makes the kick out the MWC door a bit more painful for Iron Chef. We here at Blunder of the Week hope Iron Chef enjoys their new butthole (with the words "Made by Cirque du Soulblighter" branded onto the inside), and wish them good riddance.So, what has Myrk taught us today? 1. Although IC claims to be a TFL-only order, they have some members who have played in ALL of the Myth 2 MWCs. 2. Despite frequent claims that Iron Chef is such a great TFL team, they aren't even in the top 100 of the best TFL orders ever. These idiots never won or even placed that high in a single TFL tournament even though TFL has been going on for 4 years now. 3. Now that he's eliminated from MWC, Chen Kenichi likes to occupy himself in his spare time by making excuses for every single game he's lost in his life. 4. When playing the map "Mudpit Massacre (dark)", it's common courtesy for the host to yell "3r2g0s" (3 players meet at the river, 2 meet at the grassy south end, and nobody is allowed to trade for soulless). This is just one part of the amazing strategic possibilities that TFL players enjoy. 5. Based on the play seen in this game, I have decided that one of the TFL teams will win MWC. Oh wait, they all got eliminated. Sorry, my bad. |
