Homer: Movies aren't stupid.  They fill us with romance and hatred and revenge fantasies.  Lethal Weapon showed us that suicide is funny.
Mel Gibson: That really wasn’t my intention.
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Homer: I tell you, the kid’s a wonder.  He organized all the lawsuits against me into one class action.
Lenny: That’s gonna save all kinds of travel time.
Homer: You know it.

Principal Skinner: Gasp! Good Lord! He’s going to fire!
Jimbo: All right! Scud the school, dude!
Edna Krabappel: No. Stop. Think of the children.
Reverend Lovejoy: Not the church! Jesus lives there!
Homer: The frame store! You monster!
Sideshow Mel: Not the sky! That’s where clouds are born!
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Lifeways Editor: This is a joke, right? I mean, as this is the stupidest thing I’ve ever read.
Homer: What’s wrong with it?
Editor: Well, you keep using words like ‘pasghetti’ and ‘momatoes’; you make numerous threatening references to the U.N; and at the end, you repeat the words ‘Screw Flanders’ over and over again.
Homer: Oh. It’s so hard to get to 500 words.

Homer: This pea soup is as weak as the acting and nowhere as hammy.
Lisa: Dad, that’s so mean!
Homer: The other critics told me to be mean, and you should always give in to peer pressure.
Lisa: But what if someone bad tells me to…
Homer: Always

Capt. McAllister: Lard, ho! Arr. ‘Tis a good sign! Homer’s unfastened the top button on his pants.
Akira: Uh, no.  He’s been walking around like that since Thanksgiving.
McAllister: I’m surprised he doesn’t just give it up and go for sweatpants.
Akira: He says the crotch wears out too fast.
McAllister: Yar! That’s going to replace the whale in my nightmares.
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Comic Book Guy: Soon those bratty buttinskis will be encased in Lucite for all eternity.  While we’re waiting, here are some names you may call me on our wedding night: Obi-Wan, Iron Man, Mr. Mxyzptlk, and of course, Big Papa Smurf.
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Homer: Oh, it’s been a month.  Why won’t anything grow?
Marge: Maybe it needs more fertilizer.
Homer: I’m only one man, Marge.
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Police Chief Wiggum: All right, smart guy, where’s the fire?
Homer: Over there. (Points to Police Station engulfed in flames)
Wiggum: Okay, you just bought yourself a 317: pointing out police stupidity.

Krusty: Kids, today we have to talk about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum-Like Substances.  We knew it contained spider eggs, but the Hantavirus? We-hell, that really came out of left field.

Dr. Hibbert: Mr. Simpson, you are going to be fine, although you do seem to have swallowed a number of shark eggs.
Homer: Actually that was before I went in the ocean.
Hibbert: Well, I don’t want to pry into your personal life…
Homer: Then don’t.
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Homer: Free baby cola! Apu hits the jackpot, and I’m stuck with these useless one-tuplets!
Bart: Gee, sorry for being born.
Homer: I’ve been waiting so long to hear that.

Manjula: How could you do this to our children?
Kidkill: I know.  The lightning cues were a mess.  Don’t worry, the guy’s been fired.
Apu: Our babies are not circus freaks.  We’re taking them home now.
Kidkill: Hold on, Alpo.  We got a contract.
Apu: Not anymore! (He tries to tear up contract.) Laminated! You monster!
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Nelson: Sweet hog, Mr. Simpson.
Homer: Remember to rebel against authority, kids!
Principal Skinner: Don’t listen to him children. (Over loudspeaker)
Milhouse: But we already did! Now I can’t get it out of my head!
(Nelson clobbers Milhouse with a book.)
Mrs. Krabappel: Thank you, Nelson

Homer: My wife is not a doobie to be passed around!  I took a sacred vow on my wedding day to bogart her forever!
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(Homer walks in on Bart and Milhouse dressed as girls)
Homer: What’s going on? And I want a non-gay explanation!
Milhouse: Uh… we’re drunk. Really drunk.
Homer: Oh, thank God!
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Marge: (to Lisa) Just make sure your father eats all his meals over a tarp… but not the good tarp.  I want you to get married on that someday.

Lisa: Oh! You’re going to be late.  Here are your lunches, and no trading your fruit for firecrackers.
Homer: Oh, but Lenny got some bottle rockets.
Lisa: You stay away from Lenny.  And where’s your sweater, Bart?
Bart: It unraveled on a nail.
Homer: That’s not true! He left it on the bus!
Bart: You’re dead, squealer!
Homer: Aah! Lisa, help!
Lisa: Those boys of mine.
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Marge: Hmm… there’s a homecoming parade, a cocktail party…
Homer: And the big game between Springfield U and Springfield A&M. I hate Springfield U sooo much!
Lisa: You went to Springfield U. You hate A&M.
Homer: Sooo much!




Homer: C’mon baby! Let’s matriculate.
Marge: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee! You college boys are only interested in one thing. (Homer’s former roommates enter)
Gary: Whoa!  You’re supposed to hang your necktie on the doorknob if you’ve got a girl in the room.
Doug: Or a ski hat if you’ve got a picture of a girl.

Reverend Lovejoy: Am I boring you, Bart?
Bart: Well, to be honest, yes.
Lovejoy: (holds up Bible) Hey, I’m doing the best with the material I have.

Ned: Excuse me, neighbor.  I couldn’t help but notice; you picked pretty much all of my flowers!
Homer: Can’t make a float without flowers.
Ned: Oh, sure enough.  But did you have to salt the earth so nothing would ever grow again?
Homer: Heh-heh, heh-heh… eh-hey yeah.
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Chief Wiggum: This is clearly a case of animal cruelty.  Do you have a permit for that?
Barker: No problem, sir.  It’s in my car. (Hops into car and speeds away.)
Lou: You gotta stop being so trusting, Chief.
Wiggum: Ah, I’d rather let a thousand guilty men go free than chase after them.

The Jockey Song
Jockeys: We are the jockeys; jockeys are we.  We live underground in a fiberglass tree.
Tree Jockey: ‘Tween Earth and Hell, we reign supreme…
Toadstool Jockey: …On toadstools grown by a chocolate stream.
Jockey 1: But all is not well in Jockey Town.
Woman Jockey: Your renegade horse is making us frown.
Homer: (talking) What do you want me to do?
Jockey 2: Your horse must lose.
Homer: (talking) My horse must lose?
Jockey 2: No win.
Jockey 3: No show.
Tree Jockey: No place.
Toadstool Jockey: Just lose the stinking race.
Homer: (spoken) And what if I refuse to lose?
Jockey 2: (spoken) We’ll eat your brain!
Homer: My horse must lose!
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Homer: (dancing topless) I want a shirt! Gimme a shirt!
Ralph: Mommy has bosoms like that.
Chief Wiggam: Yeah, I wish. (sarcastically)







Moe: Look, Ned, I know we ain’t hung out much, what with your insane fear of drinking and me being banned from the church and all.  But, uh, but that Maude, she was really something.
Ned: Aw, wasn’t she? Thank you, Moe.  I appreciate that.
Moe: No, I really mean it! Though, I mean, if it was you that died, I would have been on her so fast…
Ned: What are you saying?
Moe: What? Nothing. She was hot.  What, you can’t take a compliment?
Ned: You monster! (starts hitting Moe)
Moe: That’s good, no. Let it out. That’s it. Let it out. Send me to Maude. That’s it.  Here I come baby. Oh yeah.

Bart: Why are you taping Flanders, Dad?
Homer: You’ll see.
Bart: Do you even have a job anymore?
Homer: I think it’s pretty obvious that I don’t.

Chief Wiggum (on Ned Flanders) Oh, I would date Ned in a second if I was a woman or gay.  He looks like a cuddler, that Ned.  I…I like that.  I like to be held.  I like to be pampered.
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(As Homer is drinking from something resembling a coconut)
Qtoktok: Are you enjoying your ox testicle?
Homer: Oh, yes.  Very much so.
Qtoktok: Really?  You sure you would’nt rather have a coconut? Heh. They’re delicious.
Homer: No, I’m good.

Mr. Burns: Simpson!
Bart: Aah!
Mr. Burns: I’ve just reviewed your ten-year performance record, and it’s appalling.
Bart: But I’m not Homer Simpson.
Mr. Burns: I think I know who Homer Simpson is.  In ten years, you’ve caused seventeen meltdowns.  One is too many!
Bart: Yeah, but…
Burns: You sold weapons-grade plutonium to the Iraqis… with no markup!
Bart: But…
Burns: And worst of it all, you took the Hamburglar’s birthday off last Monday and Wednesday.  Which is it? Sigh! Now, my voice is dying out, so I’m just going to poke you for the next hour or so.
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Moe: I’ve been called ugly, pug ugly, fugly, pug fugly, but never ugly ugly.

Moe: Aw, c’mon, look at me. I’m a gargoyle. What with the cauliflower ear, there, and the lizard lips…
Cart: Little rat eyes…
Homer: Caveman brow…
Lenny: Don’t forget that fish snout.
Moe: Okay, I get it. I ain’t pleasant to look at.
Lenny: Or listen to.
Carl: Or be with.
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Homer: Well, this muscle-shirt’s a pretty good find.
Bart: Dad, that’s a sports bra.
Homer: All I know is, I’m finally getting the support I need.

Barney: My name is Barney, and I’m an alcoholic.
Clerk: I feel for you, pally, but, uh, you want AA. This is Triple A.

Barney: Moe, I’ve come to make amends for my disgraceful behavior over the last twenty years.
Moe: No, that’s okay, Barn.
Barney: No, it’s not okay. I broke barstools, befouled your broom closet, and made sweet love to your pool table… which I then befouled.
Moe: well, that would explain the drop-off in play.
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Psychiatrist: What you need is a good, long rest. I suggest Florida.
Homer: Florida? But that’s “America’s wang”!
Psychiatrist: They prefer “The Sunshine State”.
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Little Vicki: Lean, muscular children of Mars! We bring you candy! (The Martians giggle)
Allison Taylor: Let’s walk over to them.
Little Vicki: Why walk when you can dance?
(Homer and Marge seen in audience)
Marge: Where’s Lisa?
Homer: Shhh! This plot is hard enough to follow as it is.
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Chief Wiggum: Let me tell you what I tell everybody who comes in here. The law is powerless to help you.
Marge: Do I have to be dead before you’ll help me?
Wiggum: Well, not dead… dying. No, no, no, no. Don’t walk away. How about this? Just show me the knife… in your back. Not too deep, but it should be able to stand by itself.

(Wiggum arrests Marge)
Marge: I thought you said, ‘The law was powerless’.
Wiggum: Yeah. Powerless to help you, not punish you.
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Jesse: This planet needs every friend it can get.
Lisa: Oh, the Earth is the best. That’s why I’m a vegetarian.
Jesse: Heh-heh… well, that’s a start.
Lisa: Uh, well, um, I was thinking of going vegan.
Jesse: I’m a level-five vegan. I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow.

Homer: This is your fault, with your non-threatening Bobby Sherman-style good looks! No girl could resist your charms!
Jesse: This was her choice, Mr. Simpson.
Homer: I’m sorry. I wasn’t listening. I was lost in your eyes.

(Kent Brockman reporting on Lisa’s living in the tree)
Kent Brockman: It’s Day 4 for Springfield’s li’lest tree hugger. Hee-hee. Excuse me, that’s littlest tree hugger. And whether you love or hate her politics, you’ve gotta go gawk at this crazy idiot.
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Homer: I did it! I changed the world. Now I know exactly how God feels.
Marge: Do you want turkey sausage or ham?
Homer: Bring me two of every animal.
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Chief Wiggum: Comic Book Guy, you’re under arrest for the possession of illegal videos, but we’ll reduce the sentence if you put your pants on – fast! God!
Lou: Come on, Romeo.
Comic Book Guy: They can’t lock me up for long, Agnes! Will you wait for me?
Agnes: Are you crazy? My bones are half dust.
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Bart: We were good, Dad. They asked us to play in the Krusty Klassic!
Marge: It’s for charity – it benefits victims of balconey collapse.
Bart: We can wipe out B.C. in our lifetime.
Homer: I don’t care about B.C., I care about M.E. – my enjoyment! (runs off crying)

Homer: Well, look who’s here. You two are going down.
Marge: No we’re not. You’re going down.
Homer: Did you hear that? She said we’re going down!
Lisa: All we can do is play our very best!
Homer: Oh, that’s loser talk! (Homer runs off crying)
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Marge: Now, hold on! I have some concerns.
Bart: Please, Mom! My dream is to be a rock star!
Homer: And my dream is to get rid of Bart!
Marge: But…
Homer: How many lives must you ruin?

L.T Smash: Man, they’re gonna be big. And you stood in their way.
Skinner: No, I didn’t. I even came in early and made orange drink.
L.T Smash: Orange drink? What, do you live with your mama?
Skinner: She lives with me!

Homer: Wait a minute. Bart’s band is brainwashing kids with subliminal messages? That’s pretty far-fetched, Lisa.
Marge: Are you sure someone hasn’t been bitten by the ‘jealousy bug’?
Homer: Heh, heh, heh! Here comes the ‘jealousy bug’! Gonna getcha! Gonna getcha! (He pinches Lisa)
Lisa: Hey! Cut it out! You’re a grown man!
Homer: Gasp! I wanna go home now.
Marge: Nobody’s going home. We’re going to see Bart’s concert.
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Homer: Welcome to real life, Lisa. You can’t fight City Hall… aka Blockoland. So don’t even try.
Marge: What kind of a thing is that to tell your children?
Homer: That’s what I always tell them. I told them that twice yesterday. And then again as they were going to sleep.

Homer: Come on! Why won’t you go out with Bart?
Sherri: He’s a smelly, ugly dork.
Homer: Please. Ugly is such a smelly word. Who would you rather go out with?
Sherri: Tommy (points to handsome boy)
Homer: Well, duh! He’s breathtaking. But Bart has inner beauty… like you’d find in a rodent.  

Homer: And I gave that man directions, even though I didn’t know the way, ‘cause that’s the kind of guy I am this week.
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Homer: That baby-proofing crook wanted to sell us safety covers for the electrical outlets. But I’ll just draw bunny faces on them to scare Maggie away.
Marge: She’s not afraid of bunnies.
Homer: (ominously) She will be.

(on beating up girls)
Nelson: Sorry, we don’t do girls. They bite and kick and scratch.
Dolph: And sometimes we fall in love.
(all the bullies sigh)
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Marge: A chimp!
Lisa: Hello, little fella.
Bart: Hey! Maybe he’ll lead us to bananas.
Homer: Or more mouth-watering monkeys!

Homer: So, I noticed your home smells of feces.
Dr. Bushwell: Yes.
Homer: And not just monkey feces, either.
Dr. Bushwell: Could we just talk about something else?

Dr. Bushwell: Everyday I get up at 5:30, watch the chimps, eat a quick lunch of roots and water, then more chimp watching. After dark, I come home and think about chimps until it’s time for bed.
Homer: You must be the most boring woman on Earth.
Dr. Bushwell: Possibly, but…
Homer: I mean, I knew scientists wasted their lives, but geez!
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Homer: Did you ever see that Blue Man Group? Total rip-off of ‘The Smurfs’! And the Smurfs… they suck!

Homer: (while pretending to remove his severed thumb)Abra-ca-thumb-ra!
Cletus: Ha! Ha-ha! Dang! You could be one of them TV magic queers!

Bart: What’s it like riding a girl’s bike?
Milhouse: It’s disturbingly comfortable.
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Ned: Would you mind watching the kids? I’m kind of in a pickle here.
Homer: Well, they would keep me company. And this pickle you’re offering only sweetens the deal.

Homer: How was the concert?
Ned: Well, sir, I never heard a preacher use the ‘m-f’ word so many times.

Marge: Why did you put my name on the sign?
Homer: It’s just a legal thing… to protect me.

Homer: Why did you rat me out, kids? Was it because I showered love on those other children while ignoring you?
Bart: Yep.
Lisa: Pretty much.




Bart: Hey Homer, I thought you were only going to do this daycare thing until your knee was better.
Homer: Yes, but then I discovered the joys of raising children.
Lisa: What about us?
Homer: Don’t worry, honey, you’ll have children of your own some day. Then you’ll know my joy.
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Paul Bunyan: We’ve been together a long time now. When are you gonna… you know.
Marge: Soon. I just need a few more yoga classes.

Paul Bunyan: Oh, I get it! When I’m crushing and killing you, you don’t like me, but when I can save your lives, suddenly, I’m Mr. Popular.
Lenny: Yeah, that’s pretty much it.
Paul Bunyan: Woo-hoo. I’m Mr. Popular!

Connie: Mom! Dad! Look what I found!
Homer: Oh, boy! Buffalo testicles! (Homer bites into them)
Connie: No Dad. They’re apples.
Homer: Yuh! Blaah! Yuck!