Writing this review filled me with dread. I claimed this match looking only at the very close score and not really paying attention to the teams. Then I saw that CI has two Tourney Organizers (Sam Stone and Wight Slayer), one of my favorite unranked-big-game hosts on b.net (Grumjug), and worst of all, two former Street Fighters (M. Bison and Chun Li), for whom no misstep is too small to be tabulated in their never-ending calculus of M2SBR (see Features columns). Somebody hold me.

Knowing or not knowing the fellows on a team imposes a special burden. M. Bison, in real life, is the godfather to my daughter Melissa (who sat on my knee while watching the films, thanks for not swearing). Chun Li was her wet nurse during those difficult weeks when she was teething (ouch, Chun, we owe you!). And without Serval's bone marrow transplants, well, she'd be in pretty bad shape. On the other hand, I don't know the "real" identities of any of the Greek Gods, so they get reamed pretty bad, to compensate.

But enough about me... On with the review!

Two teams vie for top spot in their bracket. Right off the bat you know this match is special: they renamed the films in some cool way so that the game names appear in italics in the list of films. Now how nice is that? (Hopefully, future films will be use colors, or a cool font, or maybe play a song, like "Under the Sea.") CI displays a seasoned, tourney-hardened temperament, while GG rides a tad more emotional roller coaster. In the end, the game is decided by The Luck of the Bison, but on the way CI makes frequent displays of TIHIDF. Make no mistake, though: GG earned this win.

Game One - [Stampede] [Desert]

Evenly matched in skills, CI wins on the basis of superior teamwork. CI maintains full pressure at all times by deftly swapping units without Ego and gradually takes the game away from GG.

Pregame chat reveals two relaxed, prepared teams, with unit distributions beginning 20 seconds or so into PT, but Aginor of CI reports some connection problems ("freezes"). Rather than screaming about lag or whining about hosts, CI handles the problems without muss or fuss. Serval smartly dishes off Ag's units and the team plays on without complaint. This Is How It's Done, Folks (TIHIDF).

Both teams pretty much go with max arch/max warrs/max pus mixes, with GG opting for 22A/27W/5D and 10 pigs and CI getting 24A/27W/4D and 12 pigs, and they split their forces toward each crossing for archer duels. GGs pairs off their pigs and separates them, sending them in all directions, and CI keeps their pigs at center but in a super-wide formation for maximum pus diffusion. (From the dozens of games played you'd think that it was some kind of rule that your stampede units have to be shipped around in a tight box formation, guarded by a rootless journeyman.)

M.Bison and Chun Li of CI split eleven archers at center, while Zeus, Hera, and Hephaistos split twelve. The five of them start going at it, shooting and weaving. CI also has Serval at mid with two pus ghols, doing a dance and drawing a thousand arrows while CI's archers score hits. TIHIDF. Bison is overworked, though, because with Ag's disappearance he also has to tend pigs in the rear while microing his archers at the front.

M.Bison then suffers a comical turn of really bad Myth luck, a.k.a. The Luck of the Bison. (Well, it's always funnier AFTER it happens.) Athena has a lone scout ghol in CI's backfield, peering at Bison's pigs. Seeing his distraction, Athena makes a move toward the pigs, which is countered by a toss of a pus packet. Doh. It's a dud. Worse, Athena turns, picks up the packet, eludes a few chasing ghol whacks, and makes a dead-on toss onto Bison's archers, blasting three of the six into pudding. "Sheesh." Chun hands off an archer to balance their mid archers again. TIHIDF.

In the north, Sam Stone and Kighter push against Aphrodite's defended bluff and force a retreat, but they cannot capitalize. Hera sends two leading pus ghols against CI's flank and, though not doing much damage, they succeed in delaying them enough for Hera's mid force to slide north and push them back.

Back at mid, both sides take turns pussing each other. Serval scores a nice pus toss, nuking two of Hephaistos's archers. Zeus sends three pus ghols across the bridge in return, and Bison shows that the bad luck he's suffering is not a fluke but a streak: His defensive anti-pus dorf bottle duds impotently, while Zeus's toss bounces perfectly into the center of the square formed by his four archers. Bison has now lost five archers to pus. Then his dorf gets banged by yet another pus. Just after Bison whispers "k these fers can stop pussing me now," Athena and Hephaistos cross mid with four more pus ghols. Athena finishes off Bison's dorf; and Heph bangs Chun's dorf. Serval returns the favor by jigging his way over the bridge and nuking Zeus's dorf with a packet.

With five minutes to go, both sides call for and receive archer reinforcements at middle. Bison loses a pus-reddened archer, but gets two fresh ones from Grumjug and another handout from Chun. At the north crossing, Sam Stone's weakened archers get eliminated by Hera's reinforcements as the Greek Gods begin to surge at the crossing. Kighter's weakened warriors and lone dorf delay the offense and Bison shifts to cover.

With four minutes to go, things start to get exciting. GG's mid has been drained to help with their northern push, and CI takes advantage. Grumjug, in the south, sees nothing but the goalposts, but all of CI's pigs are at center. And a pair of GG's pigs is skirting the north edge, threatening to break for the open space.

What a difference a minute makes: In the next sixty seconds, CI seals off the north threat as Bison climbs the rim of the crater and picks off all of the north artillery. GG's north pigs retreat into the arms of Serval's ghols. And Grumjug has swung north to pinch the remainder of GG's mid forces.

The game is now won by... unit swaps. TIHIDF. Kighter gives the empty-handed Sam Stone his dorf up north, along with a guard, so he can spread out to block the pigs without worrying about microing the dorf. Serval, who is rushing his ghols up north to cut off their retreat, dishes off the pigs at center to Chun, who controls the mid forces. Bison gives his warrs and dorf to Sam and his archers to Chun, while taking the chore of navigating the pigs off Chun's hands, and Sam and Kighter are now able to crush the rest of GG's north melee.

Confused? Of course you can't follow all that swapping without seeing the film. But when you do, you'll discover that the key to CI's win is the effective placement of players with units. If you're trying to do two things at once, you're 50% effective for both tasks. TIHITF.

Grum and Chun mix it up with GG's remaining mid forces while Bison guides the pigs in with plenty of time to spare. CI wins, 12 pigs to 0.

CI up, 10-0.

Game Two - [Territories] [Trow]

TROW TERRIES

Both teams opt for same unit mix: max myrks, max trow, 6 locks, souls, but CI gets a mort in exchange for a few less souls. During PT, GG nervously review their initial directions. CI appears to have fallen asleep till noticing that once again, Aginor has lagged out. Each team splits trow.

GG takes the offensive, crossing mid with all five trow. CI splits trow for a strong flank steering north, while GG does a myrk flank at the south crossing. CI seems unprepared for such straightforwardness. Five trow? Crossing mid?

The game almost ends as Athena's two trow narrowly escape getting trapped at the north crossing. Then the game almost ends AGAIN when Athena misses the opportunity to six-flag the Cagey Inquisition with 9:44 left to go. (This reviewer, with the advantage of hindsight and in-game omniscience, had to stop watching and take a nice walk around the park after witnessing this botch-up.) Bison: "lol holy scary". Sam Stone: "Jesus f*cking". (Classy stuff, Sam. I had to cover Melissa's eyes.)

To take center flag, Hera has killed Serval's two locks and a mort, plus a few open-field soulless. CI is down 15%. Then Sam, who had to cancel his flank to guard the northwest flag, gets a little further unglued when Athena's trow momentarily falls into range of his lock and draws a nice autofired fireball, which is obstructed by, whoops, Sam's own pack of myrks. Ouch. Athena, who witnessed this: "lol". (Extra-classy, Athena.)

Athena starts to get more irksome. Chased 12 miles away from the flag, he prompts Hephairos with "heph fight mb?", not seeing Sam holding back Heph's entire north flank with fireballs.

Chun Li's three trow chase two trow to a far corner of the map, prompting him to dish off the center defense to Serval. Under pressure of three trow, two warlocks, and the GG north flank myrks, Sam trades his lone lock for Heph's and must decamp the north flag with his survivors. Other arty units across the map are kicked one by one.

With six minutes to go, CI has not been able to relieve its defense with some offense on the east side of the map, and GG starts to wall CI in. Bison loses a trow in the open field (brain fart? or lag burp?). Athena enjoys the moment with the always witty "haha". (Way to go, Ath.) Bison pauses, then says, "Magic dirt is cool." CI's fate is now sealed.

"Captain" Athena sees victory in his grasp and says "TAKE IT SLOW." Busy giving these very important instructions, he manages to lose one of the last warlocks. More class from the Ath-Hole: "f*k," he sez. With five minutes to go, CI is surrounded on its center flag, down 86%-61% and stays that way as the percentages melt.

With three minutes left, CI is still pinned down to their flag. The Greeks smell victory. Bison, who has lost his remaining trow in a trow-exchange, offers to help Sam, who replies with "I have 5 kryds senor magic dirt". Up to now running a deficit, Sam rebounds in the "class" department to a net plus. (Humor under pressure earns major points.)

Zeus dispatches a sneaky myrk to the last surviving warlock, and after two smacks the foundation of the mid defense is whisked away in a column of golden bubbles. Now it's looking bad for CI. Bison: "this radar map reminds me of Nam." Chun: "lol". Bison: "sowwi mid lock".

The Ath-Hole's contribution to his teammates: "take it u f*ks." WTG.

CI's remaining melee regroup at the north flag and is promptly surrounded and crushed. GG wins, 6 flags to none, for 17 points.

Game Three - [Flag Rall] [Cracks]

By the "Luck of the Bison," GG loses the game (by a last-second tie) but wins the match on points.

CI's pregame is spent comparing how sucky they did in the previous game. (This is very enjoyable. There's some amusing chat about sand and vaginas.)

Greek Gods, with the north start, go for 16A/16W/6D/12Styg and 3 ghols, putting rest into home fort thrall guards. CI chooses 14A/16W/4D/12Styg and 10 ghols. When game starts, GG gets the quicker tags and, with the "lead," hunkers down for some serious defense. When positions are set, CI controls the middle hill and has blocked the east and west passes. GG is guarding both paths to middle, plus strong defense on both forward flags.

Serval's gholpack takes the express route to the northwest corner, but ends up getting trapped by three separate GG forces. It takes a while, but they get chased up a parapet and ultimately cut down by chasing melee.

On the east side, a few pokes are made at Ath-Hole's defensive position by Bison and Chun (costing three stygs), but he parries them at little cost. He reports "all clear" when Bison retreats toward his forward flag and swings around to attack via the other (western) route. By the time Bison gets there, Ath-Hole is outnumbered 2:1 and he bleats the following:

Ath-Hole: help
Zeus (captain): can't
Ath-Hole: sh*t

A fascinating crossfire develops at mid, as Sam's four arcs hold mid, Chun's three arcs turn east, and Bison's four arcs push east. Sam and Chun fire on Zeus's passage-guarding arcs, while Hephaistos and Zeus fire on Sam. The pressure builds as Ath-Hole's flag is attacked, but he gives as good as he gets (given the deceptively steep incline of which he takes advantage). Zeus is reduced to a lone archer, but Sam is still transfixed by his force and gets smacked again and again from his left by Heph. Meanwhile, Ath-Hole loses everything, inducing this memorable exchange:

Ath-Hole: . . .
Aphrodite: just f*ckin camp :p
Ath-Hole: I f*kin DIDE
Ath-Hole: I f*king did

On the CI side, Sam has his own meltdown, complaining that he succumbed to "4v8 SORRY," later repeating "four versus eight!" (though this omniscient reviewer only counted five, sorry Sam). If he takes one more arrow, he's dead, but with that lone arc Sam whittles down Heph from three, to two archers, and in a prolonged duel, to none. As he does so Sam declaims "i am, still hard FOUR VERSUS EIGHT." To maintain his future M2SBR ratios, Sam should remember the old M2SBR adage: there are a thousand good excuses for losing one's units, but no one ever wants to hear them. When all is said and done, CI has only two archers left at mid and east, GG has none. The west side archers for both sides have yet to really engage. Bison pushes on to the fort with 2:20 to go. CI is up, 5 flags to 4.

Myk is visited by Bison-esque luck when a juicily placed dorf bottle duds beneath the feet of Zeus's melee. "F*CK", Myk cries. "Wow," Zeus admits. Ath-Hole, freed of responsibility now that his units are gone (but for a warrior on a distant tagging quest), is able to ask questions, comment on scoring, issue orders, and speculate on Pedro Martinez's injured rotator cuff. At this moment he weighs in with "Lucky." Later he offers sound playing advice to Heph, with "heph bomb themdammit", oblivious to the fact that a three-kill archer and a five-kill vet archer are sticking him with laser-beam accuracy (and also ignoring his western scout ghol, which dies unattended by way of one-on-one with a warrior). Remember: the best part of Myth tournament play is all the free in-game advice you get from teammates who've already lost their units.

During the last minute, Zeus's Miracle Melee race for the CI home fort. Myk (at Sam's order) fatefully chooses to run for GG's own fort rather than pursue Zeus. With 30 seconds to go, Zeus's melee clears the CI gate and turns left to face Grumjug's five fresh thrall with his own battered (yet non-vet) force of 2 stygs and 3 warrs. Ath-Hole has a warr there, too, jigging to keep the contest alive.

All over the place, CI forces dash themselves against the GG home defenses. Compared to the carefully executed attacks throughout this match, these "embraces of the dorf bottle" are uninteresting stat-killers. But at home, Grumjug loosened his thralls (in order to whack the contesting warrior), giving Zeus a porous melee force to chop up, and Zeus takes the flag during Sudden Death. CI and GG tie in flag count, and Sudden Death lapses. CI wins the game, 20-15, but loses the match.

Final Analysis:

Lest you think GG's game win is cheap, a careful review of the last film shows they earned their win by dint of thorough scouting. With 30 seconds to go, Zeus knew which of CI's fort flags was the weak one and went for it without hesitation, having scouts on both home flags. Going in blind, he'd have had a 50-50 chance of running toward the flag that was reinforced by Kighter's melee.

The other critique I'd offer concerns Serval's leadership as captain, in that with so many excellent players at his disposal, he should have been charged with sitting back, watching the big picture, and knowing exactly how many flags were needed and sending units where they were needed. A firm hand at the wheel can make a difference, and in this game, would have. If he'd realized the danger, perhaps he'd have ordered Myk back instead of following Sam's lead toward more offense.

Overall a very entertaining set of games.