Aesir Loses to Monkey Island;
Kilgrath Mourns, Ejaculates Curse Words
Aesir: Knocked into the bottom bracket as a result of the "QR seed settles ties" rule.
Monkey Island: Knocked into the bottom bracket as a result of the "QR seed settles ties" rule.
You would think that two teams who were just barely scraped out of the top bracket duking it out would make for an interesting match. Well, that is why you are stupid
and only read reviews, instead of writing them! This match is only interesting if you like seeing Aesir get the snot beat out of them, and taking pleasure in Aesir's plight is
so NML2. Even worse is the fact that mi's gameplay was actually bordering on decent, which makes it difficult for me to crack jokes at their expense (see MI-kuklandet).
Thankfully, bungie.net is full of intuitive young men like Kilgrath of Aesir, who can recognize plight such as mine and do their best to lend a helping hand. Kilgrath was not present at the mi-aesir match, but offered to meet with me briefly anyway to discuss his team's recent loss.
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<td><img src="http://www.mythwolfage.com/mwc/images/blownaway.jpg" width="250" height="202"></td>
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Kilgrath, who is obviously blown away by Aesir's
3-0 loss to Monkey Island.</div>
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<td>"I am just totally blown away
[ed. note: see image at left] that they lost to Monkey Island 3-0," Kilgrath told me. "We'd practiced
hard all week - or at least tried to. I was lagging pretty hard on
like all the hosts we tried to practice on, and
everyone got pissed when I called them needle-dick jerkoffs for not
wanting to play on my 56k host. It can hold a lot of people without
lag but some people are just bitches, man."
Following the mi-Aesir match, Kilgrath was heard to proclaim that
Aesir would have won easily, had he been present. When I asked what
he might have meant by such a statement, Kilgrath declined to comment,
opting only to give me the finger.</td>
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What follows is a brief summation of the match's films.
Game One - [Territories] [The Desert Betwixt Yours Ears]I knew right away that I was in for a monumentally interesting film series when game 1 loaded and I saw that the teams had taken this many minutes for planning time: 4. Four entire minutes for each team captain to trade and hand units to six different people, an exercise that takes approximately 30-45 seconds when a team has practiced and knows before hand who is getting what.
Holding down f7 quickly revealed why there was so much planning time: Drunk Ghost, captain of mi, appeared to be handing out units to her team one by one. Both teams gave every single player at least 3 archers; a wise move since archers are always most effective in trios and quartets. With so many skinny little bowmen festooned in such colorful, billowy pantaloons, I was relatively sure that both teams would melt their wights and pick up all the small pieces so that they could throw them around like confetti for an impromptu Macy's Day Parade.
Game on! Aesir melts all of their wights and only picks up big pieces, but Monkey Island only melt 3/5 of their wights and sink the other too - no doubt for Macy's Day fireworks later on. As usual, Murray Da Skull helpfully - or obnoxiously, whichever - calls out "one wight of pus" "two wights of pus" "three wights of pus" every time aesir melts a frigging wight. He then sits one of his archers on the ground and scribbles out a hasty graph, charting the current temperature (in both celsius and kelvin), wind speed and direction, time of day, and angle of the sun. His remaining bowmen hand out cool washcloths and cold drinks to the rest of his teammates, while his warriors quickly assemble a small library so that bored units on stalled flanks can keep themselves active, less intelligent warriors can study for their literacy exams, or his teammates can hide when they get sick and tired of listening to him.
Both teams run balanced three-prongs, but since mi got about 6 million thrall, aesir have more bowmen everywhere. Both mi and Aesir members have small, ffa-type squads, and Murray helpfully points this out. His thrall then board a Jeep and run a reconaissance mission around Aesir's backfield, and then park behind Aesir's south flank to calculate archer arrow and dwarf cocktail trajectories.
The two mid forces begin their archer war, and Murray (who is south, but is for whatever reason watching mid) gives Guybrush what I think is the most helpful Myth tip ever:
Murray Da Skull: guy dodge some more..
Rumor has it that Murray was contracted to write the in-game hints for Myth 3 - you know, the ones that suggest you play the tutorial to familiarize yourself with the camera controls, et cetera. Oh, and while Murray is busy talking down to his teammates, his thrall are getting pelted with arrows by that dude in that one Bible story. Good Samaritan I think?
MI draws Aesir's bowmen too close to the bridge in mid, and Drunk Ghost unleashes her first Macy's Day firework on a clump of Aesir archers. J-Ditty helpfully shouts "ASH GET OUT OF WATER" about two seconds after Asharak's bowmen feel the wight, but quickly tries to comfort Asharak on his recent loss, and Ruin helps:
J-Ditty: FUCK
J-Ditty: I TOLD U
Ruin: ash U KNEW
Murray Da Skull, who had planted motion sensors and underwater cameras all around the bridge, swells with pride.
Aesir send four bowmen from the north to aid mid, and that means it's time for a field day on the north flank. MI send their seven bowmen into the water to fight Aesir's 3, and promptly take two obvious, unconcealed pus to the face and lose all but a single archer. Two mi pus dispose of Aesir's flank dwarf, and mi push.
It seems that anything Palido Domingo touches turns to ruins. He was the first to lead the mi north archers to their doom (though Mad Marty did follow him like stray puppy), and then he asks Marty to give him all the warriors. Unfamiliar with some of the finer points of Myth2, such as "meleeing", Palido attempts to fight about 12 thrall with his 7 warriors, instead of waiting for his dwarf to catch up. He eventually realizes what the hell he's doing and pulls his warriors out for a dwarf shot that takes out most of Aesir's thrall and thoroughly damages his own remaining warriors. It's a wonder that they still give this guy units.
MI is losing the mid archer battle, and decide to rush. Aesir lend a helping hand by first sacrificing their dwarf to MI's archers, and then pussing their own warriors. MI claim Aesir's mid flag.
Aesir's south becomes slightly more aggressive as their other two flanks get battered, and the game time is dwindling. Sensing imminent stupidity, captain Drunk Ghost orders Murray Da Skull far, far away from the scene of possible battle, leading him to mid where there is more or less nothing for him to do. Drunk Ghost then makes a feebly-disguised attempt at wighting Murray's units, but decides that it might be too obvious, and holds back at the last instant.
With about 3 seconds left in the game, MI's south flank realizes that it might be prudent to make a move on the last Aesir flag. The game ends before they can herd all of Captain Dread's archers out of the makeshift library, though, and MI has to settle for a 5-1 victory.
Game Two - [Last Man on the Hill] [Barbarian Nutsack]Only 2:30 planning time this time! A refreshing break after last game's 15 minutes of planning time.
Drunk Ghost: i'm amused that they wanted 4min pt for
Drunk Ghost: desert, but not this
Palido Domingo: heh yeah
Murray Da Skull: heh aye dg
I'd make a comment about the fact that last man on the hill on a dark map isn't exactly as strategically intense as territories on desert... but it's not really necessary, since both Palido Domingo and Murray Da Skull agreed with it. Since they are the two most strategically unaware players on the team, anything they agree with must be wrong! See how that works?
Game on, and Aesir show that they are living in the strategic stone age of "traditional" strategies. They send all of their units mid - rofl, go figure! MI, knowing that they couldn't come up with a functional strat themselves to save their lives, use Angry Face's flank rush for about the six millionth time. Ruin of Aesir notices that all three of mi's trow are storming in at his army from a flank, and notes to his team "I think all three trow are flanking".
Even though Aesir's mid is getting battered by mi's, I give them credit for disposing of mi's rush flank rather effectively. Elaine Marley escapes with her three trow more or less intact, but - surprise surprise - Murray Da Skull (and Mad Marty, but I like Mad Marty) got his ass handed to him when he tried to use his fetch as melee units. Between the two of them they had 8 fetch, which should normally be good for about 30 kills. They ended up scoring about 5 kills between the two of them.
After another minute or two, percents are 69-60 in Aesir's favor... but mi has a ton of artillery, whereas Aesir has a ton of melee. That's not exactly great news. Drunk Ghost, after a few minutes of brooding over what brilliant tactic to emply next, decisively suggests to her teammates "let's let them make the move?"
At about 2 minutes left, Aesir begins brandishing its superior melee like a dude with an abnormally large dong might nonchalantly brandish his weapon in a public rest room or locker room. You know the type of fella I mean, when he just "accidentally" lets his giant member flap out of his boxers and into plain view, so that everyone else around can all get a glimpse of his massive beef and be all like, "dude, that is some massive beef." It always pisses me off when someone does that... not cause I'm not well-endowed, cause... well yea ok I guess that's why. Ok but anyway that's what Aesir is doing now - brandishing their melee, not their dongs. Although their dongs might be more intimidating than their three near-dead trow and a giant clump of melee that would have mi's morts licking their midget lips.
Aesir make a final brave charge at the flag, and immediately get anally assaulted by soulless and mortars. mi win 37%-0%, and Ruin whispers to his team "happy mwc". I think he mean "happy macy's day" but whatever.
Game Three - [Flag Rally] [Smells Like BLOOD In Here]For whatever reason, whenever J-Ditty caps, it looks like there are only 6 people on his team when there are actually 7. When I first loaded the film of game 3 I was like "hah! Some team spirit to abandon your team once they've already lost, what a jerk!" I even had a whole paragraph written up here about what poor sports they must be to leave the game when they don't have a shot at winning. But then I noticed that Aesir did in fact still have 7 players, and I had to delete the whole paragraph :(
On the other side of the checkerboard, mi realize that they've already won, and allow Murray Da Skull to cap like a buffoon in order to pad his captaining ratios. Palido, who surely rides first class on The Hilarity Train, suggests that they try a ghast rush. A special congratulations to Palido, who is the dead-on 500th person to suggest a ghast rush on this map in an attempt at humor. You win a 5 day, 4 night vacation for you and a guest to lovely Tahiti!
Game on, and both teams make pus. Flying Welshman spots Aesir a few points by wasting some of mi's big pus right off the bat so he can finally grab confetti for the parade.
mi split into three flanks, while Aesir make a far more prudent split for this maze of a map: one million flanks, which they eventually consolidate into 2 flanks! Wow!
Aesir does well on both flanks for a short while, but then begins losing rapidly while other mi units sneak into their backfield and begin grabbing flags like fiends. Aesir comes reasonably close to almost getting within the general vicinity of mi's northwest flag, before getting surrounded and killed by mi units that appeared out of nowhere, as is the norm on this map. mi uses their confusion warlocks well and manages to kill a decent sized Aesir flank with just a dwarf, an archer, and a warlock.
Palido Domingo: 2 herons can kill 6 warriors
<font size="5">WRONG</font>
mi grab victory imminent and make a final assault on Aesir's final flag. Aesir do the best they can with what little they have left, but it's not nearly enough to overwhelm the remaining mi forces. MI wins, 8 flags to 5, and wins the match 3-0. In postgame, Murray Da Skull flashes his good sportsmanship by "accidentally" PMing the other team "WOO!!!! WE FREAKIN STOMPED EM! :O"
Next week mi play Triple Nipple, and you can be sure that I'll be here to mock their progress! <3
