<img src="http://www.mythwolfage.com/mwc/images/roofles.jpg">
This picture more or less sums up the entire match perfectly.

This match was interesting just because you get to see kuklandet - who are to MWC what Desf was to NML1 - make Monkey Island roll over on their stomachs and bite their pillows in two out of three games. Even more entertaining is the fact that mi have twice as many players as kuklandet in the two games that they lose. Ouch!

The only thing that confused me was the fact that Drunk Ghost would periodically begin shouting gibberish in some foreign language... Italian I think, but I dunno, all those Pacific languages sound the same. Anyway she reminded me a lot of one of those hyperactive Italian racing announcers - guess that's where I got the idea that she was speaking Italian. Throughout this review, I will draw your attention to some of what I thought were her funniest quotes

Game One - [flag rally only with flags without numbers (not lmoth either)] [Trow with light units]

For game 1, kuklandet have 6 players. This number slowly dwindles down to about 1/3rd of that by game 3. Can you tell that kuklandet is really a group effort?

In planning time mi comment that "OMG! We lost a guy!" despite the fact that they have 7 people present anyway. Blitzkrieg (Slappy Cromwell) makes an always-necessary and ever-hilarious remark that mi will do better without the missing person. Ingenius! Kuk's chat consists of some timid, confused discussion about using a rush strategy... on territories... on the first game of the series. You can tell that they've given this some thought. Right before game on, Flying Welshman announces that he has a craving for Jell-o... unfortunately for him, Tino couldn't make this match :(

Kuk get lots of rush gear - warriors, a helacious amount of pus, and artillery. MI opt for a gholpack instead of pus. The plot thickens!!!!!!!!!!! (I wish)

Game on and mi splits up into a triple-flank while kuk prepare their rush. Murray Da Skull helpfully calls out "two wights of pus" "three wights of pus" "four wights of pus" every half second or so, instead of just taking the "lazy" - or "logical" - route and announcing how much pus kuklandet has when they are done melting all their wights. I tip my hat to you, Murray!

Drunk Ghost rushes her gholpack through the middle and onto kuk's side of the map. She splits handily to the flanks, and then utters her first hilarious quote of the game:

 Murray Da Skull: might be a midrush
 Palido Domingo: we need another dork mid
 Drunk Ghost: ALLI ODIRNO MIRI WA HU CHA CHA ~ ~ ~ ~
 Drunk Ghost: HUBI JI HATCHU NRRRRRRRRGHHHCJMK!!!!
 Guybrush: huh
 Elaine Marley: huh
 
Huh indeed!

Did I mention that kuklandet's has a single flank, consisting of 8 brave warriors? Well they do, and these warriors are controlled by cataclysm. One time, in an MWC practice game, cataclysm was fighting uphill against a larger flank, but he played his heart out (which he later mentioned to his teammates), and won. I guess Malkavian, kuklandet's plucky captain, was expecting cat to play his heart out again in this game. Foreshadowing!

kuk set up their mid and get ready to rush. Cataclysm, unconfident in his abilities to control units in more than one place at one time, comes mid to aid the rush. Malk drops the flag, and kuk proceed across the river to their doom (is that a spoiler?). Their maxed-out pus kills about 3 units, and the rest either implodes or harms nothing.

 Malkavian: kills tuff!

Yep, they sure are. As kuk's impotent dogs try their best to make their sparkle wads explode, mi's unchallenged flanks close in from behind and pincer what remains of the rush. kuklandet still had a window of opportunity - a window that, unfortunately, only Malkavian and Ymir saw. Ymir attempts to rush one of the separated mi groups, but cataclysm and tab run their warriors around like lunatics. Tab dies, and cataclysm fervently, for whatever reason, to bail on kuklandet's final flag. Malkavian takes cat's warriors away and does the only logical thing left to do by trying to guard the flag against tons of incoming arty. This leads to another of my favorite quotes (unfortunately, this quote isn't from Drunk Ghost!):

 cataclysm: yea there's flag for you
 cataclysm: nice job, christ
 cataclysm: get my units killed

Not understanding why cat would say something so totally inane, I checked the hex code of the film, and sure enough, I caught this exchange from the post-game chat:
 
 Malkavian: if we let them tag that flag we lose anyway : p
 cataclysm: oh... sorry guys, I've never played terries before in my entire myth career. I am an idiot who did not realize that, had malk not taken my warriors, I would have simply walked off the flag like a confused drunk and mi would have decimated us even sooner. I hang my head in shame.

cataclysm does not play in any more kuklandet games in this match. :

Game Two - [LAST MAN ON THE HILLABRO (<-tribute to Drunk Ghost (more foreshadowing))] [Bargarian Valley]

More planning time quotes from my one true love, Drunk Ghost:

 Drunk Ghost: DONDE ESTA EL CHICA "elaine marley"
 Elaine Marley: huh?
 Drunk Ghost: AY ESTOY YO SIQUIERO DEL CONCHES SPIDAROS!!!!!!
 Drunk Ghost: NOUS SOMMES JOUONS PLACARE LAST MAN ON EL HILLABRO ~ ~ ~
 Guybrush: did she just lapse into french?
 Elaine Marley: latin too, I think

And, for some reason, this whackjob gets all of mi's trow. On kuklandet's side, kuk are discussing what they believe to be their imminent doom. Malkavian sets up what is now the traditional Barb Valley flank rush - the one that every single team in the tournament ripped off from Myrkridon of Team Angry Face. Kuklandet only has three people left to play at this point - Skynxnex, DrunkBob, and captain Malkavian. Confident in the abilities of his two remaining comrades in arms, Malk lets them share a maul while he hangs on to 99.50% of the units. Also, and this is unrelated, but this quote explains a LOT of questions I had:

 Murray Da Skull: I _love_ garden gnomes

What a freak.

Game on! Ever the creative, innovative minds, both teams run the same exact flank-rush strat. Within the first, oh I dunno, let's say 1:30 of the game, Drunk Ghost the Italian-Spanish-French-Latin Renegade manages to lose two of her three trow, and get her third to half-health.

 Drunk Ghost: AY CARARA MI NO SOLO LES PIERRES AMI COG NOSCERE [racial slur omitted] [URL to pornographic website omitted] PIZZAAAAAAAAA

Swelled with pride over his trow-fighting victory, Malk uses his full-health trow to try to kick some of Elaine Marley's fetch. He manages to kick one before he is surrounded and killed by mi's melee. Hyuck.

mi's spiders attempt to run down kuk's third, near-dead trow. However, Elaine (who is obviously overcome with rage at teammate Drunk Ghost), launches a volley of fetch lightning at kuk's remaining trow... while the mi spiders are only inches behind it. kuk's trow lives to fight another day, and the majority of mi's spiders squeal horribly and explode in a fountain of legs and... um... anthraxes? I hated biology. Drunk Ghost helpfully hisses "f10" at her... and for whatever reason, when I hit f10, "DRUNK GHOST LOST A TROWFIGHT SHE SHOULD HAVE EASILY WON" blinked across my screen. Strange! mi practically reduces Elaine to tears, as if she had made the worst blunder ever in mi's history. This is even more foreshadowing!

Malkavian comes in and cleans up some of mi's melee and their remaining trow with his 6 fetch, and then deftly loses all 6 to a mortar ball. "holy," he states enthusiastically. Then, possibly the most hilarious part of the film comes:

 Elaine Marley: [still emotionally damaged by teammates over spider fiasco] i doubt i'll live that one down

Why is this funny? Because at the exact instant she says this, Palido Domingo attempts to launch a mort ball into kuklandet's melee... but instead launches it up the ass - or lack thereof - of the soulless clump standing right in front of him. The mort dies, the soulless die, and a disturbing number of zerks in the general vicinity of the blast die. An easy mistake to make, I suppose...

... except for the fact that, less than 8 seconds later, he does the SAME EXACT THING with another mort. Lucky for him, mi's fate was more or less sealed on this map already, or else he'd be in a world of hurt had it cost mi the match. Oh, and just to add to the total ludicrousness (ludicrousosity? whatever) of his blunder:

 Palido Domingo: [sarcasm] god you guys own with mortars [/sarcasm]

I wish I could do that bit of irony justice, but I don't think it's humanly possible. After the explosions, implosions, replosions, and deplosions of mi's units have ceased, kuk come in with their substantial melee horde and clean things up. They try fervently to stay above 20% but somehow fail, ending the game with 19

Game Three - [Flag Rally] [Smells Like Blood In Here, a map that I thought would be cool because it rules for terries and lmoth, but on which fr is about as much fun as a vasectomy]

 Drunk Ghost: SPIDARES NO HABILO CON HUEGO DOLE "elaine marley" ESTOY BITCHARE!!!! F10 ~~
 Elaine Marley: you rule with trow
 Drunk Ghost: :(

Quik-summary, since it's the third game now, and I'm bored as usual: kuk are still playing 3v7, and DrunkBob crashes halfway through the game, making it 2v7. Kuklandet still win anyway in a 7-7 tie. MWC laughs its collective ass off at mi's inability to beat two people who do not play myth anymore, outside of this tournament.

kuk split up three ways - mid and flanks - while mi abuse their advantage of having superior numbers and split up into roughly 24 separate flanks. During planning time, Murray implies to his team that he's homosexual:

 Murray Da Skull: guys, i have to tell you something important
 Rapp Scallion: shh murray, after the match
 Elaine Marley: ok so murray go northwest, drunk slob go southwest, rapp go mid west, palido go northeast, welshman go mid east, guybrush go southeast, I'll go mid, Slappy (who isn't even in the game) you handle defense, Ignatius, gonna need you to go north-northwest with these six trow and five confusion warlocks... etc.
 Murray Da Skull: this can't wait, it's really important! I like men, a lot :(

No one picks up on that except Guybrush, who suavely asks "is that a hint?" I smell a romance in the making.

Malkavian and Skynxnex leave teammate Drunkbob out to dry on his west flank, but it's worth it. Sky fends off about seven different forces from eight different directions in the east and claims the flag. Malkavian did something mid I think (hard to tell because his team color is the same color as the overhead ARGH!), but then backs off to defend/camp while Skynxnex goes on a flag-taggin' rampage. Most of mi dicks DrunkBob like a virginal girl who's had too much pot at the N'Sync concert, but not fast enough; Sky grabs a barrel full o' flags and gets Kuk the Victory Imminent first.

While Malk camps on kuk's last flag, Sky makes a valiant effort to take mi's final flag from them. Oh, and by "valiant", I meant "really really horrible". Seriously. I've never seen such awful, awful meleeing as that which sky showed here. You should be ashamed. Get out of my tournament!

And, well... that's exactly what kuk does. Despite the fact that, for all intents and purposes, they humiliated mi in 2/3 games, while playing 2v7 and 3v7, kuk does not advance. Shortly after the match ended, Flying Welshman and Captain Dread (despite the fact that he wasn't present) ran into the lobby and shouted "WOO!!!" Murray Da Skull (Zaramis, of Sm and Np) immediately emailed the films to Pirate LeChuck (Sir Mick), who in turn renamed them "MI_defeats_civil.zip" and uploaded them to every FTP server he could find.

Finally, a parting quote from Drunk Ghost, when she hopped on sshl after the match:

 Drunk Ghost: HABLA SENORES ESTOY YO QUIERO SENATORES! I SOLDATES, I SOLDATES
 Voodoo: what the hell?
 Myk the Lame: ...
 Sam Stone (me!): ...
 Drunk Ghost: SPIDAROS LAST MAN ON THE HILLABRO!!!!!!!!!

-fin-