Tank Clan and BoB play three games of Myth 2: Soulblighter for a Myth 2: Soulblighter tournament called "Myth World Cup 2001". I downloaded the films of the match for the purposes of writing a review, in which I detail the events of each game to save you lazy bastards the effort of actually downloading and watching the films. Other than that, there is no purpose whatsoever to this, or any other, review. In fact, this whole review section of the website is just a total waste of mythwolfage.com's bandwidth and web space. In fact, every time you load the review page, you're using up enough bandwidth to deny a starving seven year old his or her dinner.

You sick, callous bastard

Game One - [the one people camp on when it's last in the round] [Caer Cawhatever]

Pacosaur consumates marriage and Moonshade bullies TC into having fun, "or else". I can only assume that "or else" means "or else none of you are invited to tomorrow night's chaotic neutral half-elf convention at Bilbo's Tavern. We'll be rolling d100s to see who gets to spit in the grog barrel first!". I drew a picture of what I think a chaotic neutral half elf looks like:

<img src="http://www.mythwolfage.com/mwc/images/elf.jpg">

During planning time, almost every single person present declares that the match is a tie. I innocently assumed that they were telling the truth and that the match was indeed a tie, and wrote the rest of this review accordingly, without watching the other films. HOWEVER, I was later informed that the match was not actually a tie, as evidenced by the actual match score! WTF :!O BoB and TC, you can both go f yourselves for confusing me and creating extra work :( :(

TC got a lot - and I mean, like a lot - of warriors, a bushel full of archers, some ghols for pus, and a trio of stump-legs for decoration and cocktail-hurling mayhem and hilatiry. They also got 6 thrall, giving a silent nod to the unwritten law that you must get at least 6 thrall to guard your flag on CTF, despite the fact that thrall can't hold against any unit that can run, throw, shoot, kick, punch, slash, or taunt. TC, you so crazy! BoB got similar units, except they somehow had more of everything. Weird.

Game on, and I can't see BoB's units on the overhead 'cause they're the same exact color as the mesh. TC does a three prong with nothing but melee on both flanks, and, like, a lot of arcs and stuff mid. I still can't see BoB's units but it looks like they're doing a 2-prong with a third flank consisting entirely of ghols. Ghols are fast :)

The two teams have more or less the same force mid, but BoB takes the hill. One of Antitank's archers runs forward, screams "UNLEASH HELL!!!", and then promptly dies. Clank Tank seems to be the only one on TC who is aware that they are fighting uphill and hollars to retreat. TC archers fire a few more fire arrows that hit nothing, then get pussed and die. Clank shouts again for a retreat, but Anti-Tank is having flashbacks to storming the beach and Normandy and screams at his monitor "I'M GOING TO DO IT RIGHT THIS TIME, GOD DAMMIT!" Then all but three of his archers die. Mid finally retrats.

Meanwhile north, Psidon Tank's flank of warriors have gotten word that their middle forces have heroically hurled themselves onto their own grenades. Wanting a piece of the glory, he charges his brave fleet of steel behemoths uphill against... er, pus and dwarves. It ends up kinda messy and Psidon eventually retreats, with 6/7 of his remaining warriors injured enough that they could qualify for purple hearts.

TC's south flank has managed to bully its way past, well, nothing, and makes it to BoB's flag. Ducky bravely pusses his own units twice, then gets pussed twice more by BoB while trying to fight a melee he has no chance of winning by direct-clicking (which he does). TC gets big contest points, but with ten whole minutes left they are down 30% - 62%. Clank announces that he's not going to criticize any one player.... which is probably for the best, since he might end up with a brain cramp trying to decide who deserved the most blame :( It's only a matter of time before BoB's steelmen and gay pride marchers get to TC's flag and make a hilariously uncoordinated final assault. Their huge percent lead saves the day, though, and they take the flag.

Pacosaur: told you we shoulda played dorfball >:

Game Two - [Flag Rally] [Lichen Unto Death]

First of all, Ferrex can totally go to hell for putting in that stupid deflector shield thing that you can use to carpet bomb dorf bottles. I can just imagine the chat transcript from Badlands hotline the day he came up with that one.

Ferrex: okay so you have this general right? and he can CONFUSE a unit as his special attack! So like he can confuse dwarves and stuff and make them shoot at their own teammates! lol!
Case: [assorted gurgling and crunching sounds]
Ferrex: yea, ok, you're right... that would be pretty stupi-... HOLY CRAP. I got it, the perfect idea?
Case: [looks up from his giant pile of breakfast donuts and wipes his jelly-covered fingers on his tshirt]
Ferrex: The general can make this like, deflector shield, right? And you can bounce like arrows and stuff off it! It'd be awesome!
Case: [belches, dives headfirst back into donuts]

Maybe I'm just bitter because I got my ass bombed by it on Sunday against Aesir. Whatever. ANYHOW, game 2 for TC and BoB. Ar-Pharazon asks that his captain not give him anything lame. I couldn't help but think how painfully ironic it would be if Moonshade gave him the general. Instead, Moonshade begins belting out the lyrics to "When a Man Loves a Woman", but then remembers where he is and hands out units.

Both teams send off two flanks (imagine that), but TC sends a small mid force while BoB sends nothing. Both teams have large north forces, and when the two meet up, BadThrall casts the first deflector shield of the game. For no readily apparent reason, Ducky Tank marches a pair of archers up to the shield, where they are promptly torn to shreds by deathonimpact's waiting bowmen. When later asked for comment, Ducky's jman morbidly stated that he heard the pair of archers scream "but we thought it was the light of Jesus!!!" just before expiring.

Members of TC shout for north to retreat, but like a flashback from last game, they don't actually do so until almost all of their units have been pussed or shot full of arrows. Flashing his keen sense of situational awareness, Sherman Tank takes a quick break from losing his units to shout "\", and then the rest of his units die. BoB promptly claim the northwest flag.

If nothing else, TC's horrible, horrible demise in the northwest buys Psidon Tank - who has a bunch of melee and pus - enough time to decimate Milk Man's temple flag defense. TC closes the gap on %s and is, at this point, only down 76-78. Moonshade calls Milk Man the f word and then drops, but a few seconds later has a change of heart and rejoins the game-in-progress. Longshadow mutters under his breath, "freaking spazoid." Moonshade then detaches all of Longshadow's units and makes him beg for them back. Longshadow has to call Moon "daddy". Moonshade lets more f words fly, this time directing them at a confused TC team. Psidon and Pacosaur begin crying and Moon shouts at them to weep like the little women that they are. I'm making all of this up because at this point I'm sorta bored :(

Anyway, back to the actual game, which is substantially less interesting than my rendition. Milk Man has four warriors left and is being chased by Psidon's pack of ghols and warriors. Milk timidly asks, "Where to?" Sorry Milk, but with that much melee on you, the only place you're going is straight to hell. With his last breaths Milk leads the TC melee horde to BoB's largely unguarded northeast flag, which promptly falls. TC now leads 5-4, and is only down 6%.

In the meantime, TC's south temple flag has been getting more attention than a scantily-clad supermodel taking a tour of a maximum security prison. Pern, Anti-Tank, and Clank fight valiantly to protect it, but eventually BoB overwhelms it from all directions. Anti-Tank's dwarf moans "The horror.... the horror..." as he slowly burns to death under a volley of fire arrows. BoB grab TC's southwest flag like I'd grab Delta Burke's tats, and finally take TC's temple flag mere seconds before they lose their final, nigh-on unguarded southeast flag to Psidon's melee horde. BoB barely wins, 6-6

Game Three - [Another shitty camping game with no unit trading] [TROW! :)]

Since BoB has the match more or less wrapped up at this point, both teams burst into a rousing chorus of Amazing Grace. Shafts of heavenly light spill across the mesh, a flock of doves begins circling BoB's trow, and both teams' peasants don wildflower crowns and celebrate the wonders of life with singing and dancing. BadThrall and Sherman Tank sneak off behind the southwest hill together and engage in an awkward, closed-mouth kiss. It's a great day to be alive! :)

"Is it nearly time for tea yet?" Milk Man asks his den mother, Moonshade. Moonshade calls him the f word again and begins tracing pentagrams in the sand with his soulless while growling about how he would've gotten away with it, if it weren't for those meddling kids. Milk Man takes away his units, tells him to "lighten the f up, mother f'er", and the festivities begin.

Both teams split up into a 3-prong and within, like, four seconds, BoB pushes through south. South happens to be where TC has all of their peasants. BoB has a warlock south, TC does not. I'll let you guess what happens at this point - sorta like a create-your-own-adventure type thing! BoB win the match and say "Yay!" Conversely, TC lose the match and say "Boo!" Next week BoB plays Aesir, and something tells me the films will be sure to make this reviewer say "bleh!"