Scholarly Mything: LOL ACADEMIA

Welcome to Scholarly Mything.  Each episode, occurring approximately “Whenever the fuck I feel like it,” will examine some aspect of myth from an intellectual, philosophical or scientific standpoint.  The articles will vary in length and will most likely contain sociopathic rantings about the myth community as a whole.  As the great scholar, shark driving a big bus, espoused:

        It’s not that I particularly hate mythers, I just hate anyone who  
           doesn’t buy me prostitutes or liquor.  And for as much time as I
           spend talking to all of you, I’ve noticed a decided lack of either
           amenities headed in my direction. So in summary, I hate you all
           (bus, April 2007)

Shark driving a big bus also pointed out that Matty is a loud obnoxious moron (ibid).  Just thought I’d throw that out there.

On to the article.  

This week we will examine the “faces of myth”.  As we all know, bungie put in some spectacular easter eggs into myth.  (If you’re a newbie, you can learn about them here).  Unit designs also have their own little easter eggs.  The most famous of these is the face of the journeyman (if you don’t know about this, close this article and uninstall myth now).  




But did you know that there are other little idiosyncrasies in the unit designs?  Lets use forensic anthropology to identify the people that other myth units were based upon!

Unit 1: Archer

This one is a gimme.  The archer was obviously modeled after Errol Flynn’s character in the original Robin Hood movie.  



Note the similarities:  The cute “pretty-boy” facial hair, the light brown curly hair on the head, above average height, and of course the girlish physique.  The clothes are also very similar.  

Other people that archers could have been based on:  Steve Nash, Ben Stiller or Will –n-

Unit 2: Soulless

This one is a little tougher.  The fact that soulless faces are skulls makes it difficult to determine whom it resembles.  However, upon closer examination, the soulless closely resembles the pope.  



Note the dark, sinister eyes, the round head and the intimidating grin.  Also note that both have the propensity to scoot around and throw sharp pointy things at people who disagree with them.  

Other possible candidates:  Every other pope in history (they're all scary white guys!!! :( )

Unit 3: Ghasts

This is the unit that started this whole little diatribe.  During one particularly crappy game of lichen dark, I noticed that ghasts look EXACTLY like Michael Douglas. As the Scholar of Myth pointed out in June 2007, there are a LOT of easter eggs on myth (Scholar, 2007).  Michael Douglas is the best kept secret!  Observe:




Note the overly-defined chin, strategically messy hair, and the stupid expression on both of their faces.  Also note the propensity of both to disembowl and devour living human beings.  It is duly noted, however, that Michael Douglas only does this to teenage girls and ghasts are not so discriminating.

Other possible candidates:  Richard Gere, Bill Pullman and Grim’s Russian Internet “Girlfriend”

Unit 4: Wights

The wight is an out-of shape, liver spotted, balding old man that no one wants to be around anymore.  There’s really only one candidate for this one.




Note: if he wasn’t a political idiot, this may have ended differently for him :(

also: i originally had patrick stewart in here, but my wife threatened to divorce me if i kept that.  I'm so fucking pussywhipped :(

And finally: Alric

Alric is a long-haired slacker fighting for “freedom” from the oppression of the dark forces.  He doesn’t really like to work and instead relies upon artificial means to get by (see: Ilbis stone, big honkin sword thingy, and those fucking dispersal dreams).  Ladies and gentlemen, Tommy Chong:

Note the pointy chin, glazed expression, long matted grey hair, and the thousands of people who get fried when they’re both around.



Other possible candidates:  All the pot smokers on myth (Hi Cruiser!!!!)

Next time, we’ll use the theory of mathematical probability to determine the likeliness that certain mythers will ever reproduce.  Feel free to nominate individuals for this examination by private messaging “My little pony of doom!” on the forums.

Good night and good luck.

Bibliography:

1) big bus, shark driving a; “What’s Fair Got to Do with it?”; Proleum Forums, April 2007
2) Forrest, et all; Myth Walk Through; 2000
3) Doom!, my little pony of; “Scholarly Mything”, June 2007